Marriage is Not a 50/50 Proposition
Contrary to popular belief and tradition, marriage is not a 50-50 situation whereby each person contributes the mythical 50% to making the marriage work. If that was true, more marriages would succeed and the divorce rate would not be 40-50%. The reality for many married couples is very, very different.
Allow me to explain. Marriages are made up of two people making a commitment (hopefully, lifelong) to enter into a union whereby both partners are equal, and while this is an admirable and in many instances desirable thing, in day to day reality the division of labor, responsibilities, and to-do lists are almost never divided equally.
Like the ebb and flow of the tide, marriages change and experience many adjustment periods, frequently beyond our control, and do not allow for the 50/50 concept to exist. There will be times when one or the other partner will not be capable of contributing very much to the maintenance and success of the marriage.
In 2014 my father passed away, in 2016 my mother passed away, and in 2017 my brother was brutally murdered. The nuclear family that I grew up with (a family of 4) was gone -- all except for me. It was a very dark period for me personally and spiritually. I experienced myriad emotions during the grieving periods of each of the deaths, to the degree I fell into deep depression. There was a time that I actually believed “I would be the next to go.”
During this extremely challenging time, 2014-2017, I will admit that I was not contributing very much to the maintenance and success of my marriage. It was my wife Marla who gallantly “stepped up” and did what needed to be done to hold our nuclear family together. On occasion I did not have the strength to even get out of bed, and it was a struggle to pray, which was problematic due to the fact that I am a licensed Minister.
It would be safe to say during that period Marla was contributing 80-90% of the effort that was needed to maintain our marriage. Fortunately she never made me feel less than by reminding me how little I was contributing (I was just barely able to function on some days); she just did what was needed without complaint. I so appreciated that about her. Marla was my rock at that very challenging time.
Fast forward to 2019, with the passing of her father. The ebb and flow of the tide and our marriage began to flow the other way. It was Marla that needed support, encouragement, and advice. It was at this point that the division of labor, responsibilities, and maintenance of the marriage shifted overwhelming to me. And because she had bore the brunt of the responsibilities previously, I gladly assumed this role when it was evident that I needed to.
This did not happen overnight (our understanding of marriage not being a 50/50 thing), it was developed over 45 years of this “ebb and flow” and based on the realities of the situations and circumstances of our lives together as a couple. Neither of us ever said to the other “That’s it, I have done my part to make this work, and I have no more to give,” or even worse, “I will not give any more than I am giving right now.”
Perhaps that is why, 45 years later, we remain together and will do what needs to be done no matter what it takes, even if one of us has to give more at any given time to make it work. It is this resiliency, this flexibility, and the ability to adjust on the fly that has been the hallmark of our marriage. I trust 100% that this will continue onward until our 50th anniversary and beyond.
I will quote 2 famous lines from Capt. Picard of the Starship Enterprise that might be very applicable here: “Make it so,” and “Engage.” I trust married couples everywhere will do the same.
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