What is Love?

The question has been pondered, discussed and debated for centuries with no single, definitive answer. The best we have concluded, as a society, is that there are different types of love. I will list them here with an acceptable (I hope) definition of each.

Eros

Romantic love between two people. It can be characterized by swings of emotion that seem to captivate each individual as though they had been stricken by cupid’s arrow. It is not always rational (it seldom is, actually), and in the beginning of a relationship or marriage there is likely to be an abundance of Eros love that remains quite dominant until the time when “the fire goes out”. In modern times Eros been amalgamated with procreation and the fundamental need for survival and reproduction.

Phila

The foundation of this type of love is friendship. It is usually a shared feeling between two people and has often been referred to as “brotherly love”. (The naming of the city of Philadelphia owes itself to Phila.) We may “Phila” someone because they are pleasant to be around, are useful in some way, or are virtuous and rational. True friendships can be built on this type of love because it frequently includes trust and authenticity.

Storge

This is a kind of Phila love between a parent and child. It differs from Phila in that it is unilateral and asymmetrical. It is a fondness or familiarity born out of mutual dependency. Unlike Eros or Phila, this love typically has little or nothing to do with a person’s qualities.

Agape

This is unconditional love. Unlike the above-mentioned forms, it does not have a boundary and is not based on whether a person is likeable or not. It is altruistic in that there is a genuine concern for the welfare of others. It is also unselfish as it frequently enriches our lives and the lives of others. With all the madness, chaos, and confusion in the world right now, we could use a whole lot more Agape Love. This is also the type of love that is most frequently attributed to the unconditional love of God.

Ludus

Playful or uncommitted love. It can consist of activities such as teasing, dancing, flirting, seducing or exhibiting amorous behavior around someone we might be attracted to. The focus of this Ludus love is to have fun. If there is conquest involved, there are no strings attached. Ludus love is undemanding, and uncomplicated, however it can be long lasting, and works best when both parties are mature and self-sufficient.

Pragma

A practical love based on duty, reason or the suiting of one’s long term interests, such as with the case of arranged marriages. Sexual attraction takes a backseat to personal qualities and compatibilities, shared goals, and “making it work”. When arranged marriages were the norm, this is the type of love that most commonly prevailed. Although somewhat outdated, this kind of love still exists today in the form of high-profile celebrity marriages, and political pairings.

None of the ways of understanding these categories of love are etched in concrete; they are, to a large extent, loose interpretations of Plato and Aristotle, as well as of J.A. Lee’s 1973 book Colors of Love. Romantic love is a relatively new construct in society and is not nearly as timeless as the other types of love that have been around for thousands of years. If we preoccupy ourselves with romantic love, we deny ourselves opportunities to embrace the more stable forms of love that can be sustainable for a lifetime, and that can, in the long term, prove healing and fulfilling.

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