Why don’t people ask for help?
Over the years I have pondered this question. It is clear that some us (myself included) have had real difficulty asking for assistance when needed. I will attempt to demystify this phenomenon the best I know how.
Embarrassment
Embarrassment can be a powerful emotion, and particularly difficult if we have been the “subject matter expert” and have fallen short. Perhaps rather than asking for help we just “pressed on” in those situations by putting our head down and trying to plow through. It would have been much more productive to ask for assistance (whether that be in the way of manpower or advice) from someone with more experience or competence in that particular area.
Vulnerability
Men are particularly susceptible to this.
Back in 1993 I was scheduled to facilitate a Smoking Cessation workshop at Kane'ohe Marine Corps Air Station (MCAS), O'ahu, Hawai'i. I lived on the Leeward Side of O'ahu (Pearl Harbor), and Kane'ohe was on the Windward Side, so all I needed to do was head in the general direction of Kane’ohe and I knew I would get there.
Off I went. Lo and behold, I had made it to Kane'ohe no problem, but I could not find the MCAS. I was fretfully lost in a housing subdivision with no hope of making my appointment on time. Out of sheer desperation I stopped and asked for directions from a woman who was obviously power-walking for exercise. She was so amazed that she stopped in her tracks and bent over and looked at me and said “You’re a man!” (Yes, when I left Naval Station Pearl Harbor, I was a man, and I was still a man when I asked for directions). Clearly she was amazed that I would admit I was lost.
She was kind enough to provide perfect directions to the back-gate of the MCAS and I arrived 30 minutes late to the workshop. I was prepared to apologize to the coordinator, but to my utter amazement, all 480+ Marines were still sitting in the base theatre waiting for my arrival. I explained the reason for my tardiness and the coordinator and I enjoyed a hearty laugh, as she explained the reason the Marines were still there: they were never dismissed.
That day I learned a valuable lesson:
Whenever I am going to a place that …
a) I have never been before, and
b) requires me to be on time,
… I take care to arrive early. Unforeseen obstacles will slow me down, and I must plan accordingly. I do this for job interviews, presentations, lectures, any engagement for which I must be on time.
Pride
There are a fair number of us that have allowed pride to get in the way of asking for help. We do not desire to soil or taint our reputation. We believe that if we ask for help we must first admit that we are either wrong or incompetent—so we don’t ask.
There are also times that we do not want to share credit with others—if we ask for help, and that enables us to complete an assignment, we cannot take all the credit. We may not want to share the limelight with anyone else when we are striving to get ahead of the game.
Whatever our reasons for not asking for help—embarrassment, fear of vulnerability, or pride—I would like to offer something a bit more pragmatic to think about. I frequently tell my clients, particularly the ones that suffer from Substance Use Disorders, that they will never be stronger than when they are able to ask for help. That means, we do not have to do anything alone, and sometimes just knowing that can be healing.
The next time you feel you need help, for whatever reason, do not be afraid to ask for it. It may end up being a blessing for both you and the person providing you the assistance.